2030年
孩子们 2007年的时候 Kids, back in 2007,
好像所有人都 it seemed like everyone
迷上了健身这种蠢事 belonged to these silly things called gyms.
健身的理念就是你花一大笔钱 The idea was you'd pay them lots of money to run around
来跑跑步 举举重东西 and lift heavy things.
绝对是世界上最大的忽悠 Biggest rip-off in the world.
可还是有人上当 And yet people fell for it.
包括我 Including me.
哦 忘了拿钱包 Oh, forgot my wallet.
从某个时刻开始 It started with one of those moments
你意识到自己的身材不如想象中那样好 when you realize you're not as in shape as you want to be.
呜 Whoo...
这段路比看起来要远 That's further than it looks.
嗷 优惠券放在梳妆台上了 Aw, coupon's on my dresser.
太远了 算了吧 That's too far. Forget it.
别嘲笑我 Please don't judge me.
我满心愧疚的吃完了整个披萨 I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza.
然后在油腻和汗渍中醒来 I woke up all greasy and sweaty.
我的床单就像三明治的包装纸一样油乎乎的 My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in.
也许我该去健健身 Maybe I should join a gym.
你去健身房吗 Do you go to a gym?
我常去脱力健身房 但不是为了健身 Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness, But I don't work out there.
那你去干嘛 What do you do?
投资 I invest.
那就是我现在的投资项目之一 There goes one of my investments now.
谢莉尔 汗水必有回报 Cheryl, hard work's paying off.
继续加油哦 Keep up the good work.
所以你投资的是女人吗 So your investments are women?
没错 Yes.
那些女人 怎么才能说得好听点呢 Women who, how shall I put this delicately?
她们很肥 They fat.
我现在在这儿 So, I come here,
对他们施以爱心和关注 give them lots of attention now.
有朝一日她们摇身变辣妹 最先想到谁呢 Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to?
当然是在她们不瘦时就对她们感情投资的我啦 The one who invested in them when they weren't.
哇 我真不知道该极度鄙视你 Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted
还是该由衷敬佩你 or really, really impressed.
当然 不是所有投资都有回报 Of course, not all investments pay dividends
看见自动售货机旁边那妞了吗 叫汤娅 See the girl over there at the vending machine--Tonya.
她就是个猛啃巧克力的垃圾股 She is one Kit Kat away from junk bond status.
嘿 巴尼 Hey, Barney.
贝姬 椭圆机帮你瘦了不少 不错啊 Becky, elliptical machine's really working for you. Nice stuff.
这支股马上就能分红了 That one is going to reward her shareholder soon
双关 我能预见将来的生鸡勃勃
我能预见将来进取型的增长 I foresee an aggressive growth in the future.
帅吧 What up?
哇 听了这事让我也想健身了 Wow, that makes me want to join a gym.
这样就能肌肉壮壮 So I can get super strong
然后一拳抡在你脸上 and punch you really hard in the face.
对 我们都应该这么做 Yes, we should all do it.
好啊 我们都来抡巴尼的脸吧 Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face.
不 我认真的 No, I'm serious.
我们都该去健身 We should totally join a gym.
来嘛 我们一起喝酒长膘 Come on, we put on the beer weight together--
也应该一起减掉 we might as well take it off together.
我们也可以一起戒酒 Or we could just stop drinking beer.
算了 还是去健身吧 No. I say we join a gym.
- 你是马修吧 - 嗯 -Are you Marshall? -Yeah.
嗨 我是翠西 Hi, I'm Trish.
我是你登记的私人教练 I'm the trainer you signed up for.
哦 嗨 Oh, hi.
很高兴见到你 翠西 Really great to meet you, Trish.
真高兴啊 It's a pleasure.
马修 我有话跟你说 Marshall, can I talk to you for a second?
当然 Sure. Great.
麻烦稍等 Just a second.
亲爱的 你不觉得 Yeah, sweetie, I think she
她做你的私人教练太性感了点吗 maybe just a little too hot to be your trainer.
我懂了 I get it.
我知道你在担心什么 I mean, I see what you're worried about.
我只是想保养保养自己 But this is just about me taking care of myself.
你永远都是我的小宝贝 You'll always be my sugar.
马修 准备好对自己的身体做出承诺了吗 So, Marshall, are you ready to make a commitment to your body?
拜托 我在用全身心做承诺 Pssh! Please, I'm all about committing to my body.
如果你希望 I'll drive to Vermont
我可以立马开车去佛蒙特举行一场承诺典礼 and have a commitment ceremony to my body if you want.
佛蒙特是ML结婚礼堂所在地
这个说法很奇怪 That was a weird thing to say.
好的 先来100个俯卧撑 All right. Start with 100 push-ups.
没问题 做多少个 All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
100个 100.
哦 我还以为100是什么修辞手法呢 Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech--100 push-ups,
就像是做无数个俯卧撑 like do a bazillion push-ups.
谁能真做100个啊 No one can do 100.
你闻到了吗 Do you smell that?
什么 No.
好像我的健身房里来了个小娘们 It smells like there's a little bitch in my gym.
你是我健身房里的小娘们吗 Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
不是啊 No.
那就给我趴下做100个俯卧撑 Then get on the floor and give me 100!
你也不用吼我吧 You don't have to yell at me.
我很喜欢这儿 I love it here.
普通的姑娘们想来修身塑形 It's just normal women who want to get in shape.
我不用当窗理云鬓 对镜贴花黄 I don't have to put on makeup, do my hair,
也不需要锦衣华服 wear some trendy outfit.
是啊 这里真棒 Yeah, this place is great.
我们有个朋友罗宾一会儿也来 We're meeting our friend Robin here.
她可漂亮了 希望你不会讨厌她 I hope you don't hate her. She's pretty hot.
闭嘴 Shut up.
莉莉 让他闭嘴 Lily, tell him to shut up.
抱歉 这位同性恋女狱卒 我们认识吗 I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard, do we know each other?
泰德 莉莉 你们绝对想不到刚刚发生了什么 Ted, Lily, you'll never believe what just happened.
嘿 哥们 我叫巴尼 Oh, hey, dude, I'm Barney.
我刚才在饮料吧台 So I was at the smoothie bar...
你要喝点什么 What can I get you?
天啊 你是蓉达 Oh, my God, Rhonda?
我是巴尼 斯塔滕岛大道的巴尼•斯丁森 It's Barney. Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard.
嗨 斯塔滕岛大道的巴尼•斯丁森 Hey, Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard.
你喝点什么 What can I get you?
难以置信 她居然不记得我了 I can't believe she didn't remember me.
怎么说 她是谁啊 Why? Who is she?
她是蓉达 That's Rhonda.
我把童子身献给了她 I lost my virginity to her.
亲爱的 你身上还酸疼吗 Baby, are you still sore?
翠西逼我做了七十个俯卧撑 Trish made me do 70 push-ups,
但是只给我算十个 but she only gave me credit for ten.
然后她又逼我做了一百个仰卧起坐 Then she had me do 100 sit-ups
再之后 她光动嘴就把我说哭了 and then she made me cry, using only her words.
说不通啊 It just doesn't add up.
蓉达怎么会忘了我呢 How could Rhonda not remember me?
这个 可能是她觉得那次不够爽吧 Well, maybe it wasn't that good for her.
毕竟 你才第一次嘛 I mean, it was your first time.
泰德 我是谁啊 我那次让她爽翻天了好嘛 Ted, it's me. I rocked her world.
你们不信啊 好吧 给你们讲讲 You don't believe me? Okay, story time.
那是1998年 The year was 1998.
我跟香农从大一就开始约会 I'd been going out with Shannon since freshman year of college.
我们守身如玉 We were saving ourselves.
所以到我们分手的时候 我23岁却还是个处男 So when we broke up there I was, 23 and still a virgin.
我对女人一无所知 I knew nothing about girls.
所以我去找 So I went to the guy
对女人无所不知的人 我哥詹姆斯 who knew everything about girls-- my brother James.
打住 是你的同性恋哥哥詹姆斯吗 Wait, your gay brother James?
当时他还没出柜 Yeah, this was before he was gay.
为什么啊 Why...?
巴尼 你就是需要找个妞 Barney... Barney, you need to find a girl
尽快跟她做一场 and have sex with her ASAP.
分手后的男人都是这么干的 That is what dudes do after a breakup.
我知道 我也想啊 我就是有点怕 I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared.
你当然会害怕 Of course you're scared.
恶心死了 It's gross.
一想到要跟女的做... The thought of doing that with a woman...
但这是做男人的一部分 But it's part of being a guy.
不如想想棒球吧 Try thinking about baseball.
不知怎的 我想着球场上的球员时 Somehow I imagine those players on the field
就结束的快多了 and it's over a lot faster.
可我一点都不懂怎么勾引女人啊 But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman.
做什么 怎么做 从哪儿做 What do you...? How do you...? Where do you...?
停停停 别多想 Stop. Don't overthink it.
你可不想造成心理障碍 You don't want to get the yips.
心理障碍 The yips?
嗯 对一件简单的事情想太多 Yeah, when you overthink simple
结果你却完全办不成了 things so much that you can't do them at all.
心理障碍 The yips.
运动员身上经常发生 Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time.
比如二垒手突然无法把球投给一垒 Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first
或者花样滑冰运动员搞定了完美的外点冰三周跳 or the figure skater who does a perfect tripe toe loop
却在单腿站立时摔倒了 and then loses it on the arabesque.
说起来 我最近真是越来越喜欢花样滑冰了 I've actually really been getting into figure skating lately.
花样滑冰在美国是一项同性恋喜爱的运动
可是詹姆斯 哪个女的想跟我做爱啊 But, James... what woman's going to have sex with me?
我又不是什么后街男孩 It's not like I'm a Backstreet Boy.
处男终结者 The Man Maker.
1981年
蓉达•"处男终结者"•法兰奇 Rhonda "Man Maker" French
是和我妈妈住在同一条街的朋友 was our mom's friend from down the street.
有K吗 Got any kings?
抓牌 Go fish.
那个新来的报童帕迪 你知道吧 So, Patty, know that new paperboy?
我让他把报纸扔进了我的树丛里 你懂我的意思吧 I let him throw one into my hedges, if you know what I mean.
给我清扫泳池那人 见过吧 Did you see that new guy who cleans my pool?
我让他钻了我的管道 你懂我的意思吧 I let him snake my drain, if you know what I mean.
认识那个送中餐的外卖小子吗 You know that Chinese food delivery boy?
我们做了 I had sex with him.
还没想好有什么好玩的说法 I don't have a funny way of saying it yet.
这事才发生了20分钟 It just happened 20 minutes ago.
对啊 Of course.
处男终结者 The Man Maker.
而且应该也不难 她了解我的 And it'll be easier too, 'cause she knows me so well.
嗨 巴瑞 Hi, Barry.
我叫巴尼 你好 法兰奇太太 Barney. Hi, Ms. French.
我知道我们已经有日子没见了 I know we haven't seen each other for a while,
但如果可以的话... but if there was any chance...
哦天 Oh, boy.
哇 你刚刚真是颠覆了我的世界 这是我做过最爽的一次 Wow, you just rocked my world. That was the best sex I ever had.
那晚我重获新生 That was the night I was born.
好似一只凤凰从她散发着薄荷香气的胸脯上涅盘而生 I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom
大步走向世界 阿玛尼上身 帅爆了 and strode into the world, Armani clad and fully awesome.
上帝啊 快让我停下吧 God, please let me stop!
行呀 停吧 Yes, great, let's stop.
好好放松一下 然后过两年你40岁的时候 Let's just kick back and wait for the massive coronary
就等着得冠状动脉硬化吧 you're going to have a couple years from now when you're 40.
我才29 I'm... I'm 29.
再做50个 50 more!
嗨 亲爱的 Hi, sweetie.
我也找了个教练 这是马克斯 I got a trainer, too. This is Max.
我们专注训练柔韧性 We're going to focus on flexibility.
双关 我会好好满足她的需要
嗯 我会让她好好伸展的 Yeah, I'm gonna stretch her out.
好... 等会儿 啥 Great... Wait, what?
50个 快做 50 more, now!
啊 Huh?
嘿 Hey...
呃 这可不是什么好兆头 Okay, well, that's not cool.
知道吗 蓉达 You know, Rhonda,
在这儿遇到你让我想起了以前的日子 running into you really got me thinking about the old days.
你蛮受欢迎的啊 You were quite popular.
那时我确实混得不错 I sure got around back then.
而这当中有那么一个年轻人脱颖而出 And there was one young man who stood out above the pack.
弗莱迪•修巴汤尼 Freddy Chibatoni.
那孩子的舌头跟壁虎有一拼 That kid had a tongue like a gecko.
不不不 我说的是另外一个 No, no, I was thinking about someone else.
查兹•奥德曼 Chaz Alderman.
虽然长了个女人的屁股 但是用得恰到好处 Hips like a woman, but he knew how to use them.
那我呢 What about me?!
- 你 - 对我们睡过 - You? - Yes. We slept together.
你还说那是你最爽的一次 And you said I was the best you ever had.
我这么说了吗 Did I?
哦 对了 Oh, right.
是这样... About that...
告诉他这是你最爽的一次 And tell him that he's the best you ever had.
呃 我不知道哎 Oh, I don't know.
他还只是个孩子呢 He's just a kid.
不 他都23岁了而且他真的很受伤 蓉达 No he isn't. He's 23 and he is really hurting, Rhonda.
拜托了 Please.
也许我们可以做个交易 Maybe we could make a deal.
什么交易 What?
这个吧... I don't know...
哦 Oh...
不行 我有女朋友了 No, girl, I got a girlfriend.
嗯嗯 她的阴道是我唯一能接受的阴道 Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers is the only vagina for me.
嗯 我爱它... 只有那个一点也不吓人 Oh... I love it. It... it isn't scary at all.
好吧 可惜了 看来你弟得一直当个处男了 Well, too bad.I guess your brother's going to stay a virgin.
好吧 Fine.
NBA球员
雷吉•杰克逊 雷吉•杰克逊 Reggie Jackson, Reggie Jackson,
雷吉•杰克逊 Reggie Jackson...
那你当时给我的赞美呢 But those compliments you gave me.
哇... Wow...
你刚刚真是颠覆了我的世界 you just rocked my world.
这是我做的最爽的一次 That was the best sex I ever had.
但你明明说我颠覆了你的世界 But you said I rocked your world.
后来我能够颠覆其他的世界 All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so
都完全是因为我第一次颠覆世界时获得的自信啊 rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking.
抱歉 巴瑞 Sorry, Barry.
我叫巴尼 it's barney...
我正在做仰卧起坐 然后她说 So I'm doing sit-ups and she says,
"好的 马修 只需要再做一组" "All right, Marshall, just one more set."
所以我攒足全部的力气又做了一组 So I summon all my strength and I do that set,
然后她说"给我再做一组" and then she says, "Give me another set."
我就问她"这是最后一组吗" So I'm like, "Is this the last set?"
她说是的 And she says yes.
所以我就又做了一组 然后她说"再给我做一组" So I do that set and then she says, "Give me another set."
她当着我的面撒谎 She lied to my face!
到处都疼啊 Everything hurts.
宝贝 锻炼的目的是让自己感觉更好 Baby, the whole point of working out is to feel better.
这个教练却让你感觉到痛苦 This trainer is making you miserable.
你得给她打电话说你不练了 You have to call her and quit.
我必须完成 我必须有始有终 I got to work through it. I got to finish what I started.
- 如果你太害怕我帮你打 - 她电话在名片上 -If you're too scared, I can call her. -Her number's on this card.
嗨 翠西在吗 Hi. Is this Trish?
我是马修的老婆 This is Marshall's wife.
听着 我们有点问题并且问题就是你 Listen, we have a problem here and it's you.
我不知道你以为你自己是哪根葱 I don't know who the hell you think you are,
但是从现在开始轮不到你告诉马修做什么了 but from now on you don't tell Marshall what to do.
你是我们花钱雇来的 You are an employee.
我们让你怎么做 你就怎么做 We tell you what to do.
还有我告诉你 你被解雇了 贱人 And I'm telling you you're fired, bitch.
啊哈啊哈好的拜 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, bye.
你最好赶紧去一趟 宝贝 她气疯了 You better get down there, baby. She's pretty pissed.
嘿 老兄 Hey, buddy.
还在纠结蓉达的事吗 Still bummed about the whole Rhonda thing?
不了 我干嘛需要一个女人的认可来定义我是谁 No. Why would I let the approval of one woman define who I am?
你成熟了 巴尼 That's very mature of you, Barney.
让他说完 Let him finish.
我可以通过一群超级模特的认可 When I can let the approval of a gaggle of supermodels
定义我是谁 define who I am.
什么 什么啊 What? What?
三张维多利亚的秘密 Three tickets to the after
时装秀后派对的入场券吗 party of the Victoria's Secret fashion show?
呃 超酷吧 Uh, kablammie!
莉莉 我能去吗 Lily, um, could I go?
去吧 反正你全身酸疼也做不了什么事 Go. You're too sore to do anything anyway.
哦 哇哦 Oh... wow.
好了 伙计们 这可不是常规赛 Okay, this, boys, is not a regular season game.
这是世界级职业赛 This is the World Series.
所以记住 我们要合作 我们是一个团队 So remember, we work together. We're a team.
还有要是你们看到了海蒂•克鲁姆 归我了 And if anyone sees Heidi Klum-- dibs.
目标锁定 好好干 Target acquired. Dig deep. Mm-hmm!
嘿 派对不错嘛 Hey, it's a nice party, huh?
是啊 很不错 Yeah, it's great.
你们是公司的员工吗 Do you guys work for the company?
是啊 公司叫做"我要进入你的小短裤股份有限公司" Yeah, it's called "I'm Gonna Get In Your Panties, Incorporated."
恶心 Gross!
老兄 Dude!
我不知道怎么了 糟透了 I don't know. That was terrible.
真的很抱歉 I am so sorry.
等等 没事 没事的 一切正常 Wait a minute. It's okay. It's okay. It's fine.
就是个数字游戏 我很好 It's a numbers game. I'm cool.
模特儿 模特儿 Model... model.
- 呃嗨 - 我猜对了吧 -Uh... hi. -I know, right?
这个派对真是传...等一下... This party is legend. Wait for it...
呃 我们到底要等多久 Uh, how long do we have to wait for it?
我觉得他是中风了 I think he's having a stroke.
- 我是怎么了 - 我不知道 -What is the matter with me? -I don't know.
等等 等等 你不会认为我有心理障碍吧 Wait, wait, wait-- you don't think I have the yips, do ya?
不 不 放轻松 No, no, no, relax.
那是亚历山德拉•安布罗休 There's Alessandra Ambrosio.
英语是她的第二语言 English is her second language.
即使你搞砸了 她也不知道 Even if you screw up, she'll never know.
加油 Come on.
嗨 Hi.
这俩真是好咪咪 Those are very nice honkers.
咪咪 我不懂这个词 Honkers? I don't know this word.
你想来跳舞吗 Do you want to go dance?
我在说这对东西 I'm talking about those things.
啊呜嘎啊呜嘎 Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!
恶 Ew!
不不 我不能有心理障碍 Oh, no, I can't have the yips.
我不能有心理障碍啊 尤其不能在这 不能是现在 I can't have the yips, not here. Not now.
是我啊 我是巴尼啊 巴尼啊 This is me. It's Barney, Barney!
海蒂•克鲁姆 Heidi Klum!
真是完美 我行的 我能做到 This is perfect. I can do this. I can do this.
感谢到来 But thanks for coming.
感谢你的到来 海蒂•克鲁姆 我是巴尼 Thanks for coming. Heidi Klum, I'm Barney.
嗨 巴尼 很高兴认识你 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you.
哈身材 哈身材 哈身材 哈身材 Goobidy, goobidy, goobidy, goobidy.
哇呜 Whoa.
他还好吧 Is he okay?
呃 他有心理障碍 Uh, he has the yips.
整晚都没能跟女人搭讪 Hasn't been able to hit on a woman all night.
他有心理障碍啊 He has the yips?
噢 真是糟糕 Ooh, that's bad.
知道吗 在德国 我们管这个叫@#$*^%$# @+*#$_@* You know, in Germany, we call this @#$*^%$# @+*#$_@*.
哇噢 真是糟糕 Whoa, that is bad.
我不知道我是怎么了 I don't know what's happened to me.
我已经完全地失去自信了 I've, I've totally lost my confidence.
小可怜儿 Aw...
巴尼 也许你需要向别人敞开心扉 Barney, maybe you have to open up to somebody.
也许你需要张开你的双... Maybe you have to open up to some...
他刚发现夺走他初夜的女人愿意帮他破处 He just found out that the woman he lost
仅仅是因为他哥哥贿赂了她 his virginity to only did it because his brother bribed her.
噢 这可麻烦了 Ooh, that's a rough one.
我是说 我能想到的唯一方法去治疗 I mean, the only thing I can think of to get rid of
^%$#@@$%#*+ ^%$#@@$%#*+
就是你需要到那儿去 is you have to go out there.
找到那个女人 And you need to find that woman.
并且真正地把她赢回来 And you need to earn it with her for real.
这是你找回自己的唯一方法 That is the only way how you can find yourself.
我看到了迷你小汉堡 I see little hamburgers!
我爱死迷你小汉堡了 I love little hamburgers.
再会 Auf wiedersehen.
- 哇 - 是啊 -Wow! -Yeah.
我刚刚和海蒂•克鲁姆亲热了 I just made out with Heidi Klum.
什么 What?
泰德 配合点 行吗 Ted, just... okay?
进来 Come in.
嗨 蓉达 Hi, Rhonda.
嗨 小伙子 在这里看到你真意外 Hi, kiddo. Surprised to see you here.
那么 嘿 呃 我们做爱好不好 So, hey, uh, maybe how about sex?
我们做爱吧 Let's sex.
你在说什么啊 我正在看幸运大轮盘 What are you talking about? I'm watching Wheel of Fortune.
你继续看 我可以让你对着电视 You can keep watching. I'll face you toward the TV.
- 这个想法真可爱孩子 - 那好 -That's a cute idea, kid. -Great.
不 我不会跟你上床的 No, I'm not having sex with you.
你先坐下 Sit down a minute.
我不再是"处男终结者"了 I'm not the Man Maker anymore.
你知道吗 You know what?
大概五年前 About five years ago,
我发现内心的空虚 I realized there was an emptiness
不是一堆无意义的性爱可以填补的 inside of me that no amount of meaningless sex could fill.
我需要更深层的东西 I needed something more.
就是那时我迷上了印度博彩 And that's when I discovered Indian casinos.
嘿 巴尼 Hey, Barney,
看你不穿西装挺奇怪的 怎么了 it's weird not seeing you in a suit. What's going on?
呃 没什么 Uh, not much.
只是发现我整个性史 My entire sexual history
都建立在腐朽的谎言之上 was built on a rotting foundation of lies.
我的自身价值完全土崩瓦解了 My whole identity is lost in a pit of menthol ashes.
不过工作混得不错 Work is good.
我再也不去那个健身房了 I'm never going back to that gym again.
今天上班 我必须得让一个实习生 Today at work, I had to have an intern
把百吉饼掰成小块喂到我嘴里 intern rip up my bagel and put little pieces in my mouth.
我也不去了 Yeah, I'm done there, too.
那地方糟透了 That place is horrible.
你不是有个肌肉发达 What about your big muscular
又热衷于给你拉筋的教练吗 trainer who's so into stretching you out?
那个啊 结果发现 Yeah, well, turns out that
那家伙根本不是健身房的工作人员 guy had no affiliation with the gym whatsoever.
拜托 伙计们 别放弃啊 Come on, guys, don't give up on the gym.
健身对我们很有好处的 It's been great for us.
比如今天 罗宾和我就玩得很开心 Like today, Robin and I had a really nice moment.
噢 天哪 耶 Oh, God! Oh... Yahhh!
罗宾 嘿 我只是想过来跟你道个谢 Robin, hey, I just wanted to come over and thank you.
谢我什么 Thank me for what?
你知道跟前任当朋友是很困难的 Well, you know how it's hard for exes to be friends
因为脑海中总会残存一些对方的性感形象 because there's this lingering sexual tension between them?
全没了 谢谢 Gone. Thank you.
你知道吗 你天天嘲笑我 You know, for all the crap you've given me,
但我从没见你在那儿流过汗 I haven't seen you work up a sweat there once.
才不是呢 我今天就去了 It's not true. I was there today.
是啊 但你不是很早就走了吗 Yeah, but didn't you leave early?
这下可好 Oh, great.
我只能回家充电了 Now I got to go home and charge this.
等等 Wait a minute.
你周二也没锻炼 You didn't work out Tuesday either.
带错短裤了 Brought the wrong shorts.
是啊 周一也根本没见你的影 Yeah, and you totally disappeared on Monday, too.
不 我一直都在健身房 No, I was at the gym the whole time.
噢 我爱死健身房了 Ooh! Oh, I love this gym.
莉莉 帮我掰下这三根手指 Lily, help me bend down these three fingers.
事实上 我有个主意 Actually, I have an idea.
快做 快点 你个窝囊废 Do it! Come on! Do it, you worthless piece of crap!
拜托 求你了 我想回家 Please! Please, I just want to go home.
快点 这最后一组了 Come on. This is your last set!
做上一组时你就这么说的 You said that last time!
全没了 Gone.
嘿 Hey.
蓉达 Rhonda.
我在健身房看到你朋友泰德了 I saw your friend Ted at the gym.
他吐在饮料吧台 逼得人去楼空之后 After he puked and cleared the line at the smoothie bar,
他告诉我你最近过得很糟 he said you were kinda having a tough time.
你改变主意想要上爱 做床 性器官了吗 Did you change your mind about having love, making sex, penis vagina?
我到底怎么回事 What is the matter with me?
- 噢亲爱的 - 我只是不明白 -Oh, honey... -I just, I don't get it.
你和那么多人上过床 You slept with so many guys.
还睡过我哥哥 You slept with my brother.
我们几乎是同一个人 We are practically the same person.
我真的那么差吗 Was I really so bad?
没人第一次技术就好的 Nobody's good the first time.
但我是啊 至少我这么觉得 But I was. At least I thought I was.
噢 巴尼 你知道 性不是一切 Oh, Barney, you know... sex isn't everything.
你上一次和一个女人交谈 When is the last time you had a conversation
而没有一丝杂念是什么时候的事 with a woman with no intention of scoring with her?
我在一个义卖会上坐在 I sat next to former Secretary
前国务卿玛德琳•阿尔博莱特旁边那次 of State Madeleine Albright at a benefit once.
美国的第一位女国务卿
那次我的确没什么杂念 I certainly didn't intend to hit that.
好吧 告诉你 Yeah, well, I tell you what.
再和我上床解决不了任何问题 Sleeping with me again isn't gonna solve anything.
那我不知道什么能解决了 I don't know what else is.
我想我知道 I think I know.
你有K吗 Do you have any kings?
没有 摸牌吧 No, go fish.
看看 巴尼 和一个女人共度一个 See, Barney, isn't it nice to
没有杂念的夜晚 单纯谈谈心 just sit and have a evening with a woman, no agenda?
不是也很不错吗 Just make nice conversation?
没觉得 No.
是啊 真挺没劲的 Yeah, kinda sucks, doesn't it?
噢 天哪 巴尼 你确实是让我爽翻了 Oh, my God, Barney, you really did just rock my world.
真的太棒了 That was amazing.
这次我没撒谎 And I'm not lying.
我知道你没撒谎 宝贝儿 I know you're not lying, baby.
那你觉得如何 And it was good for you?
这是我最爽的一次了 It was the best sex I've ever had.
再会 Later.
爹地回来了 Daddy's back.
- 嘿伙计怎么样 - 嗨挺好的 -Hey, buddy, how's it going? -Hey. Pretty good.
挺好的 噢 Pretty good. Ooh!
我腿终于能动了 手也能抬到这儿了 I can move my legs now and I can lift my arms this high.
- 噢 - 噢 -Oh! -Oh!
是啊 我现在觉得更有活力了 Yeah, you know, I feel like I have more energy.
刚开始挺痛苦的 Yeah, it was hard at first,
但现在我一天不锻炼就难受 but now if I go a day without working out, I miss it.
我为我们感到骄傲 I'm proud of us, guys.
第一周是最难的 我们已经度过了最艰难的时期 The first week is the hardest. We're over the hump.
加入健身房是我们做过最明智的选择 Joining that gym was the best decision we ever made.
之后我们再也没去过健身房 And we never went back to the gym again.